Where did we leave off last time? Ah, yes, with some things
that you should "do" in relationships - now, the flipside of my
non-professional opinion!
1. Don't talk negatively about your partner to others.
This is a tough one. Let's get serious - sometimes your partner is
going to do something that drives you crazy, or makes you want to go
postal on unsuspecting victims. There are going to be times when you
need to vent about it to someone. Newsflash: That's okay! The trick
here is to make sure that you're speaking about your partner in an
objective way, and not a negative way. There is no need to drag your
significant other through the mud when he/she has done something that
doesn't suit you. You can discuss a situation without ranting about
it. Also, a sidenote here that I've learned from experience: if you
want to have a venting session, it's always better to do this with a
friend and not your family. God love them, but they will judge your
partner FOREVER on everything and it doesn't matter if the judgment is
made on good things or bad things.
2. Don't stop planning together for the future.
We, as humans, were designed to move forward. Stationary is not in our
DNA. When you stop creating dreams with your partner (especially dreams
for your future together), you drift apart. Think about it - it's good
to set goals and have dreams for yourself. I want to get this job. I
want to one day afford a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. Whatever
floats your boat. The same is true of your relationship. Set goals for
the future. One day, let's try to buy a house. In three years, let's
start having children. Let's renew our vows at ten years. Let's save
our money and plan that amazing vacation we've always talked about. You get the picture!
3. Don't be automatically defensive.
This is one that I constantly struggle with. What can I say...I'm
nothing if not scrappy. Sometimes, I have a hard time distinguishing
the difference between a calm, constructive conversation and a
full-blown ambush-style attack. I work really hard to practice
listening over defending myself because sometimes, it's genuinely not
necessary. Sometimes, people tend to miss the point of the conversation
because they're busy plotting their rebuttal to the first thing that
was said. This is not a good, nor effective practice, and therefore, it
made my don't list.
4. Don't be the end-all, be-all in your relationship.
Okay, say it with me, friends - "Smothering leads to death." I have a
hard time keeping my lunch down when I see a couple who is so imbalanced
in regards to time spent apart from one another. I have literally had
to force myself to not react or say something I shouldn't when I see
someone literally
go off because their significant other is
hanging out with his or her friends. Oh, the horror. It's good for you
to have friends. It's good for your partner to have friends. It's
good for each of you to see said friends on a semi-regular basis.
Everyone gets busy, but time should be made for friends. If your
man/woman wants to have time with their boys/girls, let them go - even
if you don't have any plans for yourself. (Cue horrified face.) Use
that time by yourself to read a book, take a bubble bath, watch a movie
that your partner doesn't want to see, do laundry, exercise - take time
for YOU. As long as you and your partner are comfortable with the company and activities involved, there should be no reason to permanently attach Velcro to your bodies.
5. Don't lose yourself.
This one goes hand-in-hand with number four. Oftentimes, I've witnessed
people who completely change when they start dating someone new.
They're more concerned with being whomever their partner desires rather
than being themselves and finding someone who wants who they are.
Here's a fun fact of the day - dating is usually hard. The "right one"
is not dangled in front of your face for a reason - you have to do the
work! That's why you date. You don't decide that you like someone,
then figure out what they like, and then turn yourself into that, all
chameleon-like. It's not healthy. Don't drop your friends and family
and become obsessed with the person you're dating. The right person
will fit into your life because they are a
part of your life, not because they've become your
entire life. Prayer definitely helps in this department! (Who am I kidding? It helps in ALL departments!)
6. Don't go to bed angry/don't leave angry.
There are different schools of thought on this one, but I'm on team
"don't do it." I can get behind the "take a few minutes to cool down"
scenario, but I cannot accept someone rolling over and going on with
life as though nothing happened. Something happened. Hash it out in
the calmest and most constructive way you can. The goal is that both
parties can go to sleep satisfied about something. Everything might not
work out just the way you wanted it to, but it will be better in the
morning, even if you are tired and cranky. I'm also big on not storming
out on someone when you're angry. Number One, you SHOULD NOT be driving
when you're that emotional. Number Two, how is the other person
supposed to trust you to stick around if you are constantly
showing them that you'll walk out? No bueno and no me gusta.
7. Don't allow fear to be the driving force in your relationship.
In life, crap happens. Someone most likely will treat you badly in some
form and you will be forced to carry the baggage of that around (maybe
even for the rest of your life). While it's unfortunate, you're not
alone in this, and the trick is to not let the baggage weigh you
down. You cannot punish your new partner for an old partner's
mistakes. They are not the same people and should not be compared to one
another. It's okay to use what you've learned and experienced in past
relationships to make your current relationship better, but you have to
really be attentive and know when you're allowing the fear of what
happened before hinder what could happen in your future. Don't beat
yourself before you even begin something beautiful.
*
Sidenote: In all honesty, if you feel your baggage is too heavy to deal with, please seek out a therapist or counselor. There is absolutely no
shame in that, and there is an entire profession that exists to help
people with all kinds of situations! All you have to do is seek help.
8. Don't value being right over being a loving partner.
If your relationship's dialogue consists more of, "Boom! In your FACE!"
than anything else, there's probably some big issues there. We
all love to feel the high of being right. Even better? The high of
knowing that
other people know you're right. That's okay, but
you have to keep it in check. Don't put more into proving to your
partner that you're right than you do into finding a solution. Who
cares if your partner swore up and down that Richard Gere starred in
Dirty Dancing
when the entire world knows it was Patrick Swayze? I've
witnessed folks get downright nasty about something as trivial as that,
and it was sickening to see them revel in embarassing their partner in
front of people. Uh-uh. Not cool. Need more info? Check out number one
of this very post.
9. Don't use what you have as a weapon.
Your love. Your intimacy. Your families. Your kids. Your faith. Your secrets. Your
dreams. All of the things I just listed are the puzzle pieces that your
relationship is made of. These are things that are sacred and precious
to you and to your partner. How many times have you heard someone say,
"Oh yeah? Well, you just cost yourself ____." "You can consider the
kitchen closed." "Well, if you're going to be that way, I guess
you won't be needing ______." Do not threaten your partner with any of
these things. That is a low blow to beat all low blows.
10. Don't define love as a noun.
Something I've come to understand is that love as a noun is ephemeral.
(Ephemeral means 'lasting for a very short time.') It's conditional.
"I'll love him as long as he never does this." "If you ever cheat on
me, I'll leave." There are many conditions we've all heard before that
"determine" whether or not someone will stay with their partner. I've
also seen so many times where love was spoken but not done. I try to
define love as a verb -
it's something that we do. Saying the
words doesn't make them so. It's the actions that make someone
understand that you're in this for the long haul. I am starting to really
understand unconditional love in relationships. I've seen people go
through things that I've seen ten other couples end a marriage over.
Guess what? In about 90% of those cases, the couples who stayed
together and worked through their issues are some of the happiest and
most fulfilled people I know. The ones who left? They've bounced from
relationship to relationship because they accept what is as status quo.
They don't stand and fight for their relationships. I choose love as a
verb.
*
Sidenote: There are some things that SHOULD NOT be accepted.
Abuse is one of those things. Putting your partner in danger is one of
those things. There are always exceptions to any rule, and I would
never encourage anyone to "stay and fight" if they're up against someone
who takes that literally. If you find yourself in a situation like
that, please ask for help and get out. The right person is out there
waiting for you, and you don't have to take that anymore.
As I've said in the posts before, these are simply lists that I wanted
to jot down primarily for myself. I want to take my own advice and I
want to put to action what I've learned over the years. I'm not
qualified, nor should I be used as the end-all, be-all for your
relationships. I don't want any, "Well, Mrs. Ribs said it so it
must be so" situations on my hands.
I hope we all can help one another out in making our relationships
better than ever! I want us all to be more than happy, and I started
this series because I get asked for advice when people see that I've
lived through certain situations. I figured that there may be someone
too shy to ask, and maybe these could help you out!
Are there any you would add to this list? Leave a comment!
Ribs
